i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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