sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
