is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize