i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
