i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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