Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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