went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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