i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
