I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
