You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
