So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
