Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
