If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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