and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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