Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
