Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
