im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
