So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
