1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
