not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
