Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
