If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
