yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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