Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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