Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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