She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
