Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
