got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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