Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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