Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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