I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
