I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize