Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
