i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
