Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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