Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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