how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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