I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
