theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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