She went from zero to smokin in five shots
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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