: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
