Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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