oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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