Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
