Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize