i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
