I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
