apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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