I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
