So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
