Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
