barbara walters just said penis...
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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