mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
