My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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