so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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