I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
