Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
