gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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