when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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