Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
