We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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